Today I choose myself.

I refuse to settle for something that is less than I deserve.

And before I love someone else, I have got to love myself.


It’s been a while since I wrote about something personal. The older you get, the wiser you become (even sometimes I still overshared about my life in social media lol). Okay, so in this post I want to write a letter–for myself. I often do some journal and diary things, but this letter is kinda personal. 


Even after being at 22, you still can lose yourself. 


In this past 4 years I busy to fall in love with someone else, but not myself. I’m not blaming myself for did that, because that’s life–we fall in love and we fall out love. I enjoyed it. But the more I love someone else, the more I lose myself. So this year I take a break to learn about myself even more. 


It’s been a hella rollercoaster–and not easy road for me. I do a lot of mistakes, did some adventurous journey that I never imagine before, and a lot of things I grateful for. For every tears, heartbreak, and life try to drag me down–I’m still here.


I am proud that I am still here. With my mental health–it’s not that easy peasy to face the day. There is the day that I have zero motivation even just for living or existing. It is burdening sometimes. But I am grateful I still can control myself. There’s a ton lot of things that I still can enjoy, even just for a single laugh. 


I lost a lot of people, but that’s okay. People come and go, right? I am still dealing with it. Sometimes I told them to leave, or me in the other hand leave some people for a better place. I can not suit in every shoes and that is okay, right? I should save and keep my energy for someone who deserves it.


Thank you for always give yourself a chance to choose. Choose every aspect in your life. I wanna say thank you for myself for not stop trying to take opportunities, to leave something that you think it is a bad things.  


Thank you for always trying. I know you have a lot of bucket list to do before you die, thank you for always trying to make it happen. I really love this side of you. That’s fearless spirit that never goes out and the light in your eyes. I admire you a lot for this one.


Thank you for always stay strong. Life can be a piece of shit, and how you deal with it is a freaking awesome. I love me.


Thank you for letting yourself to grow. There is a lot of things that I should learn and yeah I am still young to do it all at once, so your little steps and progress is worth it. 


I apologies, if I do not give you love that you deserve. I am busy to make other people happy, and there you are running scared living inside the box. I set you free, to feel all the love you deserve in this world. 


Please stay alive, thank you for not give up. Even just for a shake of cupcake, sun in the morning, art, music, cat, or everything that you always enjoy. Please stay alive, lot of things you will be missed if you do stupid things. 


I love me, I love me, I love me. I accept you for who you are, your strengths and weaknesses. Your past and scars you always carry. It’s okay to feel tired, it’s okay to take a rest, it’s okay to change your direction into something you always looking for.


It’s okay. Once again, you deserve the world and lot of people out there will fall in love with you as the same as your love for yourself. But yes, your love to yourself should so much bigger than the others.


Xoxo, May (January 28th 2022)

 
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