You are not sorry, and so am I.

I still got nightmares, my subconscious still thinks that some people will regret what they said and did. And I already have a peace with myself that some people will not apologize—not even close to know what they did to you.

For a few months the silly me still hoped for a single sorry. How they broke me into pieces and left me with a new version of me that love to live. (Thanks).

I am not the “blocked” type of person. But some people deserve to be on the “blocked list” forever. You cannot play with someone feeling and mental state. I still remember every conversation and everything and how people left me when I needed them the most.

So I hope you understand how I am feeling. When you get down on your knees, just want to let you know, I will not try to help you or make you better. It is not my business. Just drink your own poison.

When you were happy and chose someone else, do you ever think about me? The one you left behind? 

Why when you were on your lowest point of your life, you tried to contact me? Weird, just drink your own medicine. Is she wasn’t enough for you?

You don’t deserve my apology. Because you are not sorry, and so am I.

I am not mad, I just hurt and suppress the feeling too long.

I already let us go, from a long time ago.

Secret Animosity

They said "you will find your own people", and I believe that.

That is why I do not get bothered when I only have small circle, and I can count less than five people are my realest friends. 

As I am growing older I do not know why I feel some of my--was--closest friends sees me as a threat. I can smell the jealousy or when people try to be a secret animosity. Like frenemies. 

To be honest, I do not really care. It is just weird to me because I never make anything that I did as a competition. It makes the friendship not pure, and what we are trying to compete, anyway?

We have different life. If you see I got lucky a lot and got what I want, it is simply just because I tried hard and prayed to God. I will always be that girl that needs to run a mile to get what I want--when other people can walk or even just blink to achieve whatever they want.

So, still, I find it weird, when people see me as a competition. Some nights, at 25 years old, I still thinking, "are we still friends? why you treat me like a shit?" 

And I think that is the stupid question to ask. And yet, I still feel the weird vibes for some of the people. 

Okay fine you cannot maintain the friendship, but hell no, different people different treatment. Weird.

Can we just hangout, talk, without ulterior motives? I do not know, and whatever. I am happy with one and two of my closest friends. And I think that is enough.

As you grow older, everything gets too complex, and weird.

02/25/2025