My mom said I cannot say bad things about my own government

After I arrived back in my home country after living my best life--10 months in the U.S, reality hits hard and deep. My reverse culture shock is a real thing. I cannot lie but I still feel it even now. As strong as before but I already tried my own way to get out for this problem. 

I remember that self-development event that I got for preparation returning back home,

"Do not be in rush to get out of your country,"

I tried to understand and absorb it with different perspective and get prepared for that. I did not realize, this thing is really a huge issue for me know. It it not really an issue, but I already know better my worth.

My expectation, my dreams, my ideas, cannot fit into my own country. How hard I tried to make something better--example with little project, still, the big problem is my own government. 

I was that girl who will be in silent if something happens in politics, but not now. I grown up and I already feel all the laws and regulations really affecting me in day to day basis. 

My social media becoming my own platform to share this issue. I still do not understand by people who have not wake up yet by a lot of issues in this country. Can you guys just wake up? Are you all not feeling so fed up?

Talking about this problem to my mom also a bad idea. She said I cannot say bad things about my own government. I do not care. If I cannot fight in the street, at least I can share how bad the condition now is. I do not have any dreams or something that I want to fight in here. 

Whatever that I do now is preparing me to get out of here. This place is not really my home. Just a place where I was born. I do not belong here. I do not know since when I am not proud of it. But I just do not enjoy and like being here. 

Whatever and whenever is it, as long as not in here.

- I still love the food and culture though, not the government.

I love my boyfriend.

My boyfriend always call his friends to check them out if they are okay.

He is provider, and makes me realize I stand up for myself for too long. Like no one notices, but he always notices.

There was a day that I was so mad with his actions and was thinking it wouldn’t work out but he knocked my apartment door, said sorry and gave me the beautiful flowers. No one ever do that. 

His actions match with his words. He never make me overthink (maybe once or twice), but I feel safe with him. He gives me peace. 

He taught me about a lot of things—indirectly. He showed me how to love myself and that I am worthy. He loves me so gently. 

People always say “When you know, you know”, finally I feel that. It’s an easy love, easy to be falling in love and stay in love.

I am not going to sugarcoat but he is the definition of perfection. Sometimes I am scared if he is too nice and will leave me too early. Good people always die first, I don’t like it.

Since our first date, we both know we want this for a long run. We both want to be together. His extrovert side matches with my introvert side. When they said ENTJ x INTJ are the best match I believe it with no hesitation.

He always wants me to be happy, to be successful, to achieve all my potential. He always believed in me—like he is my number 1 fan on everything. I adore him so much.

I can write him one hundred letters and I know it will not be enough. He deserves his own book. 

I never know loving someone who is living 10.000 miles with 12 hours of difference can be this easy. 

Sufi, I love you so much. It’s 01.38 AM and I just write how amazing you are. You are my soulmate. Twin flame. Whatever they name it.

I am so lucky to have you. To be loved by you.

- May